Talking to Matt is a lot of work. #lol Listening to him is, too. #howcanitbe If I had to say so, it is because 1) When I talk to him, he always looks like he’s ready to tackle me. I feel his energy that way. 2) When I’m listening to him, I can feel him wondering if I’m listening to him. I confess, sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. But the not is not a bad not, it’s like a knot-not. When he talks he never complains or frustrates, he is just talking about good. Good talk ties me up in all that I am grateful for. And I’m grateful for life, so one can only imagine how he ties me up.
When he talks it always amazes me to find how similar we are. I won’t say congruent because just as we are uncannily similar, we are different. #very
I was restricted by allergies at a young age. One of those allergies was a dairy milk allergy. Matt had one, too. He never ate his cereal in a bowl of water or orange juice, though. I love cereal that much. Leanna, a dear friend of mine told me one day one of her all-time cravings is a bowl of cereal and milk. One of my all-time cravings is a pickle. But not like all pickles, a very specific pickle. I like either Del-Dixie baby pickles, a kosher dill spear, or a movie pickle. I even have a specific way I eat the spear. But I love the experience of a movie pickle - they are tartier in their vinegar to salt ratio which balances how soft they are. I like a crisp baby pickle, and I can eat all textures of a spear.
With allergies came a plague of other respiratory problems. I even remember the smell of the allergy clinic. I was poked a lot by needles, but something about the smell and knowing it’s also where my mom worked, I wasn’t afraid of the needles. Needles didn’t feel good, but I wasn’t afraid.
Mom and Dad had this #bigyellowtaxi Sony camcorder, and I was infatuated with it. #somuchso I could throw my best tantrums over not being able to hold it to record us just enjoying home. #eaststreet
A compilation VHS tape was made from all the little camcorder tapes, and that may as well have been a Disney movie. #replayed
One of the scenes that was apart from me became a part of me as a little girl. Cruz worked at the allergy clinic, and he had a birthday. Someone invited a belly dancer to help him celebrate, there, and it was caught on film. The recorded clip was in the compilation. I remember as a little girl, like 4 years old, #young wanting to do that. I became infatuated with belly dancing just by that clip in our VHS compilation.
It wasn’t until Shakira arrived on the scene, I became re-infatuated. But I put it on the back burner because I had dreams. I was either going to be a nurse or a teacher, and I didn’t know where I would end up. I cannot go wrong on a dream path - I feel like I turned out to be a pretty good half human-whole animal nurse/teacher. #hybrid
4/28 I am successful, but success is not an easy feeling for me. It is a feeling I can fear. One fear is how long have I actually been good at this?
11/21/21 I am gaining muscle memory in layering my Egyptian shimmy. #leveladvanced I have been working hard in connecting the undulation in my upper body with the shimmy in my lower body. It has been so difficult for me it just had to come to me, and once I found it and had the control to sustain it for a moment, I wondered how it had been so hard. #abracadabra I started working on just the Egyptian shimmy back in 2017.
12/2/21 I have really been enjoying adventuring through belly dance. My cousin Jesse told me once: To learn is to teach yourself. It has not taught me patience, but it has helped me realize the patience I have had with myself all along when I have felt the least bit patient with myself in comparison to how patient I am in the presence of others. That has felt good to nuture myself in that way.
I wrecked my right arm by letting myself get the best of me, and when I was undergoing occupational therapy, the therapist noted my joint laxity. I am hyperflexible she noted, and ultimately this led to my arm’s status. I knew something about it because when I was exploring myself in high school, with absolutely no flexibility training I was able to front split and backbend on command. I did not nuture that within myself. I have imagined had I. I just found that level of flexibility within myself out of curiosity and checked it off the list.
I have become more serious about flexibility training in adulthood. One) I’d like to find a middle split, too. Two) I read drinking water and training flexibility helps your spine stay supple. And Three) I discovered as I worked on flexibility I have become more brave in trusting myself I can belly dance. Understanding flexibility, something I experienced a kind of success in before, as a bridge to “my success” in belly dancing, helped me take a greater step in trust with belly dancing. (I know it is common sense dance and flexibility go hand in hand, but sometimes I feel I do not have disposable brain power like common sense.) I found my front splits again in about three months time, and the detail work I have been doing since to tweak my form to proper, I noticed has been paying off last week - I am feeling the beginning of effortlessness; there is still work to go, though, yet. I have not found my middle split yet, but I have been undertaking the challenge more seriously for over a year now. I felt myself finally gain a bit more distance yesterday. I have been taking my time to learn safely because it is an uncomfortable process I subject myself to by choice - and by that route it seems there is no grace as I had experienced with my front split, just a really good fight!
Whenever I am going through a dip, I have found flexibility training is a perfect time to match those feelings and apply the energy productively. I had to remind myself of that helpful connection I made yesterday, and that is where I felt myself finally getting somewhere different again. I have read Frog Pose is a building block for a middle split. It is my patience in this pose, I have understood just how negative resistance is. It feels just as uncomfortable as letting go, but worse, it keeps you stuck. I let go a little more of my resistance in Frog Pose yesterday, and I felt the strengthening release.
It all is a patient process I am enjoying following myself through. I am enjoying the feeling of pride in myself growing deeper through this creative journey 12/4/21 because it is territory (within its bounds I have further fortified my self-confidence) and good work. I started the journey in front of my mirror, and I did it scared. Scared not of my failure, but scared of my success because I had just a knowing and no ready confidence. I am proud of myself for how patient and integrative I have made this process for myself all by myself. The pace I am going at it feels everlasting.
It all is an expression of my joy, too.
2/17/22: Not there yet, but greater than when I started…
3/28/22 Taking steps from making pancakes to becoming a pancake. #apatientprocess Still not there yet, but greater than when I started.
Comments
Post a Comment