Jealousy.

I was very impatient in my high school years.  I enrolled in dual credit coursework and summer courses.  I was ready for the next moment.  

I really liked my community college experience. I never felt like there was anything to be missed about the university experience because the instructors could immerse themselves in their subject.  I took American Literature from Mr. Franz.  In my opinion, he defined his self-confidence in the way he spoke about his daughter to his class.  I remember I liked his loafers, too.  

When I was elementary school-aged I loved my saddle shoes and loafers that actually had pennies in them.  I also loved wearing socks with the lace detail that made sense when you folded the cuff down.  I wore those socks with my loafers.  I actually wore those socks with almost every shoe, so remembering which socks I wore with my loafers came easily.  I also loved my LA Gear sneakers.  But more than shoes, I loved hair bows.  

I really did not take away a love of American Literature from Mr. Franz' class despite the love he conveyed for the content he taught, but I took something certain away.  He admired his daughter.  He encouraged his students to be the one thing, in my opinion, he respected about his daughter the most.  And that was to be curious.  

I remember internalizing that encouragement, but not internalizing it in the way of feeling I lacked the kind of curiosity to impress, but I felt the lack of being able to define how I felt I am a curious person.  Probably because I never was one to raise my hand in class with a question or an answer, and I did not have enough interest in anything in particular to possess a hobby. 

My godmother shared a poem once, but it wasn't the kind that rhymed.  It was one of the poems that had a poetic rhythm to it.  It did not tell you what to do, but it did suggest how to do something.  I say suggested because how it told the reader to do the something it suggested to do, is very original.  

My mom once told me in a moment I needed my mom's listening ear, "Your grandfather said to me never let anyone tell you what you should be feeling and never let anyone tell you what you should be thinking."  I had an appreciation for Grandpa's advice.  

When you find someone who will listen "face to face" to you and paraphrase you feeling so soundly it answers the tone of the conversation - "Can you understand me?" it feels, as I once told a friend how it feels talking to him without telling him how it feels talking to him #nearermyGodtothee

The only line I can remember in the poem is "Love the question."  

I am often curious about how the world defines God.  

One way I have heard the world define God is - God is jealous.  And one question I have asked myself is:

How is God jealous?

Sometimes in introspection I answer my own questions and then somehow find a way to move on and vacuum the stairs.  One thing I love about Matt as my husband is the one few questions I can see on his face is "What am I going to eat?"  That is how seamless he transitions from one moment to another.  

When I taught pre-kindergarten, transitioning those little minds from one moment to the next was good work.  My biggest challenge as a first year teacher, if I had to say, was being efficient in the moment.  I can be entirely too intentional in a moment, personally.    

I have learned to ask the question and let the answer construct itself to me.  That is how I have learned to love the question - to be patient with myself in seeking the answer.  I have never expected to know any answer I ask to myself.  I barely had any idea of what questions I had for myself.  But I do know I had to become familiar with how the answers would arrive.  I had no idea how I was going to answer my own questions enough to recognize that, indeed, was the answer meant for my question.  

Someone else's words resonated so soundly, I felt it was an answer for a question I have been in construction about.  It was such the feeling of an answer for one of my questions, the question it belonged to had to come to me.

Answer: God does not want you to believe in Him, He wants you to belong to Him.  

[1/21/22 “Christ has made my soul beautiful with the jewels of grace and virtue.  I belong to Him whom the angels serve. -Saint Agnes of Rome, Patron Saint of girls]

And funny, belonging is an unquestionable feeling.      

12/3/21 I added another Rosary recitation to my favorites in my “Rosary” folder.  I try to be patient in between additions.  This particular Rosary was led by Sister Miriam.  I enjoy recitations led by younger Sisters in this day and age.  I can see myself as a Sister, and I have contemplated if anything ever happened between Matt and I, it is something I feel a calling towards.  Matt can see it, too, so much so he smiles back at me when I remind him.  I think it is a great compliment to Matt, and I think Matt smiles because he receives the compliment in it to himself.  

I enjoyed how eager Sister Miriam was in her reflection.  I took her delivery personally because I was eager to receive her message.  

She says - There are so many things in our life that we can run to, and in the WATCHFULNESS, Jesus orders our loves #sohecanloveusfirst.  That’s how it came out in my journal to myself: SO HE CAN LOVE US FIRST.  Sister Miriam had claimed Jesus orders our loves in the watchfulness so that we can love him first.  This made sense to me, too, but the intense feeling made most sense to me in writing “so he can love us first”.  First, never-failing love first. 

Sister Miriam then claims through the ordering, all other love comes into deep fruition.  Someone once asked me, “Who do you talk about this (grief) with?” I answered, “My mom and Matt (first).”  I have loved how my mom who was the mother for me communicated her trust in Matt as my husband who is the husband for me in those moments.  (It made Matt feel more and more realistic as an answer she prayed for.)  She would ask me in so many words, “What does Matt think?” And I have loved how Matt as my husband reinforces my intuition when I am aware I am speaking intuitively.  He will say, “I agree with everything you are telling me.”  Matt seems he would rather debate me than agree with me, so those moments are precious.

Sister Miriam’s message felt like my answer to “How is God jealous for me?” was in deeper construction.  

Sister Miriam then posed the question to her audience, “Where does my heart run?” I was eager to sit and meditate on that because I felt proud of myself I have always been true to the answer #firstlovefirst. My heart RUNS to first love.

I understand Sister Miriam’s claim about what happens through the ordering.  When I am in the presence of all other love, true love outside of my first loves, my heart is glad.  It is an unquestionable feeling.  

I told #indefinitespace one day, I was so glad!  My gladnesses can be kind of goofy.  In fourth grade I remember watching on as adults were moved by a student’s talent show entry - “The Greatest Love of All”.  I had never bothered to look at the lyrics, and at 36, I bothered myself to read the lyrics, and I understood.  

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all 

One way I thanked my Mom in my early thirties for being with me as the mother for me was telling her, “I love me.” I felt her wholeheartedly receive my intention in my gratitude.

My God is not only good and hood, my God makes me laugh!  I turned on the music to dance in the feeling, and out of all of Pandora to shuffle, out shuffles an upbeat and eager Whitney Houston “How Will I Know”? #toocoincidental I am heard in my devotion!  Coincidences like this are lovely affirmation! 12/3/21

12/5/21 One question I have been asked impromptu, face to face I have not forgotten because I did not answer it fully when asked is: Do you think one person should be everything to another person? My answer in the moment: no [1/31/22 I remember how I answered no in that face-to-face moment, too.  It just came out but I could not say why I knew “no” yet.  It was not until one day years after, Matt and I were talking while working outside together he confessed something we both already knew: he does not have the capacity to meet my emotional needs all on his own.  I just loved Matt in that moment but the kind of “just” like I can, indeed, fall deeper in love with him.  Matt is wise, gentle, and kind.  He confessed a real truth in his own words we already knew for ourselves.  As strong as Matt and I are together, too, we are equally delicate.  It was not until that moment Matt confessed, I understood my confidence in how I answered “no” years before.] [1/26/22 I once told #indefinitespace about a glory I believe belongs solely to God and being everything to one person is another glory I believe belongs solely to God.  I can understand someone’s “reflection” can be of that kind of importance to another, but I love how Audrey Assad captured the sentiment I am feeling about that question posed to me in her song, “Everything is Yours” from her album The House You’re Building https://youtu.be/NlfTAJc7Htw]