Beloved.

What fraction of life am I in if I am talking about for the last 33 years of my life?  (Assuming I am going to live until 100.  My Great-Great Aunt Minnie and my Great Grandpa Boldt both lived until 100.  I spoke to my grandma today with the thought in the background she is going to be 90 this year.  She asked how old I am.  I am 37 this year.  My Great Aunt Clara is 91 if I am not mistakened.  I am not just talking one-sided.  Lifespan longevity exists both maternally and paternally.  I have gotten pretty good at drinking 64 oz of water nearly daily.)  

So if I am doing the math right...in the first 1/3 of my life I have felt befriended.  

Being befriended feels like someone knowing for themselves while saying to me without a word, "You are the friend for me."  

I, strangely, feel protected.  

One way I have heard Jesus defined is, Friend.  I am being the best version of friend I can be given the circumstances of the moment I can be.  

By being befriended, I have understood the feeling of being myself in respect to myself for another.  (1/14/22 Today I heard a message reminding me of the feeling I understood: Following Jesus means learning to come out of ourselves in order to go meet others.)  I love the people who have befriended me.  They helped me mature spiritually.  In that respect, I feel protected. 

When something feels handpicked for me, I feel protected.  I do believe experiences within befriendship have been handpicked for me. Being protected does not make experience easier, it just means grace is ready to be received.  And I know where grace comes from.  Me receiving grace for an experience is a nearer to Thee feeling because I have already been received.  

I have always been timid when it comes to doing the befriending.  I never tried it in the first 1/3 of my lifetime.  The consequence of that choice was understanding alone and Jesus as Friend.  I am a firm believer the feeling of alone the way I embraced it, is a gift.  I developed a deep appreciation for my own company.  Alone felt like a spiritual gift because I had the true love of my nuclear family, the true love of my extended family, the true love of Matt, and the experiences of befriendship.  I didn’t do alone, alone.  I experienced it amidst the spirit of love.  In that sense I felt protected.  

I gave my very first honest try at doing befriending in the second 1/3 of my lifetime.  It was an experience that satisfied me because I did it at what I would define myself with a knowing and awareness of myself, at one of my very worsts #whenIamweak<3  The feeling of knowing who “this is a friend for me" felt nearly instantaneous.  I will accept nearly instantaneous versus instantaneous because what separated the difference was fear.  I appreciate work.  Overcoming fear a familiar stranger can hurt you is good work.  

What helped me overcome that fearlessly is knowing who befriended me before.  It's like this person knew I was the friend for me while I know myself as a friend.  #confidence  I just proofread that last sentence because it felt big coming out, and it did not come out how I intended, but it came out right.  There is #alot of love in a friendship of mine.      

I will say the moment I asked to befriend this person was quite original.  I paper clipped my personal journal tightly, and I wrote a letter on the next empty page with the ask. I packaged it in a box with gummy bears and a jolly ball on this person's doorstep.  And then I let it be.  I didn’t go back to second guess it.  #confidence

I remember I beloved this stranger, I felt beloved by above.  That is how I knew this person was the friend for me.  I was ready to receive a blessing.  I related the feeling to how I felt when I met the friend who was the husband for me, Matt.  Why, again, recognition was nearly instantaneous because recognition of Matt was contently instantaneous. #nofear

[10/25/21 I think friendship as friends is scarier because it is two people truly exchanging the affirmation #youareenough (PPS dwelling) 

Within the sacrament of Marriage there are special gifts exchanged by two friends, but in friendship alone, all you have to exchange is your Intelligent Design. 

When I was choosing which Rosary broadcast I wanted to recite, I came across one entitled “Marriage is a Vocation.” I think it is important to be friends, first, in a marriage because #youaloneisenough is a couple’s weapon against influence within that commitment.]

I knew I was behaving like myself when I told my cousin the story with my sister who already heard the story listening on, and my cousin affirmed me with her smile beside my sister, "That is a very Emily thing to do."  #itsamething

I will never know if my intention was truly received in the moment it mattered to the greatest degree, but I do know I received, as the consequence of my choice in remaining committed to my intention, more Jesus. #youalwaysgetwhatyouneed 

I do not know one person who does not have the capacity for #moreJesus.  My definition of more Jesus is more good.  And my definition of good is not easy.  Receiving more Jesus is good work.  Receiving Jesus is not easy (good work).  And when I say not easy work, I am referring to heartbreak.  There is no joy without sorrow.  

I am asking myself in this moment, "If I believe what I have always heard: Jesus has already received us, why is receiving Jesus feel like a choice?"  I am feeling it has something to do with being truly present in every moment.  As my mom reminded us all in our adulthood #staypresent  The moments of impending heartbreak are the ones that take greatest courage to remain present through.  And should presence be held, it is one of the greatest opportunities to feel truly and purely beloved.

On a very extraordinary day, my attention was drawn to a meditation in a book gifted to me.  I am grateful a moment to grab my attention was done because it connected a truth to a real feeling I was feeling that day - joy.  It was a day I was happy for someone I loved.  I was grateful this person had strong support surrounding her on a day we were all feeling sorrowful for her.  If there was anyone who was the greatest at befriending another, it is her.  I have never felt truly befriended by another than by her.  She is so good at befriending another, she can connect one friend to another.  As I have told her, she has the power to gather.  

This meditation comes to mind in different moments.  Probably the most different moment it has come to my mind is when I met a deer I named, Lark.  

[1/7/22 Lark was touching.  He was a young deer but obviously in the end stage of his life.  His fear of humans had already wasted, and he innocently enjoyed the tastiest treats I could find for him.  He was alone when I met him, alone the next time he visited, and the next.  I worried about Lark.  

Bonnie was a deer Matt had taken a strong liking to.  He carefully named her, and her name fit. Bonnie returned the liking to Matt.  

Bonnie met Lark through us one day.  She was not afraid of him and was caught nurturing him one day with a grooming.  I was happy for Lark he found a friend I could trust.  Lark never came alone, thereafter, and I couldn’t take a hard look out the window, but I did glimpse until one day his absence became consistent.  I was happy to love Lark.]

Today I came across a video from Applying God's Word titled, "4 Signs You Are On the Right Path, Keep Going".  I will look at the 4 signs another day.  But right now, the title of that video was in good time.  It affirmed a feeling I reminded myself today - I am here in this moment today with these thoughts (10/25/21 and the ability to articulate my joy in the Lord in writing), therefore, I am on the right path. 

I felt so beloved for my first try at befriending another, I received a friendship that constructed all the answers I had asked about my first try in prayer.  

The bulk of my prayer asked if I had befriended someone right on my first try (12/3/21 This prayer always felt ironic to me, every opportunity this person in prayer could take to accuse me of being wrong when I was speaking with validity, he took it.). 

In that sense, the friend who came to me within that prayer felt like the friend God chose for me #right.  He #reached me, I befriended him.  

 (10/14/21 His thoughtfulnesses speak to me he said, “Yes, God.” too. 2/1/22 He told me I will earn your trust.  He did not have to earn my trust, I trust myself #first.  His words are his greatest simple gift, and it was easy to receive that string of words as the gift they were intended to be from him.)

[1/31/22 One of the ways I know he said and meant #Yes is in one of the #first strange things he said to me: “You need me to carry you?  I can carry you.” I have never had someone tell me that outside of me being physically lifted up like Matt will do. #galatians6:2-3.  

The strangeness of how he would speak to me, I appreciated, because it aligned within prayer.  Good help arrived.  

Galatians 6:2-3 has never felt…lighter.  He has an awareness of me in our friendship, yet he gives me room enough to be honest.  He responds to my honesty with respect and a greater awareness of me.  The feeling of gratitude came to presence in my mind one day: He has always known me in his own words.]

One of the best ways his friendship has felt is mending.

[10/13/21 I have never met someone outside of my family I can speak deeply, and I am listened to intently.  So intently I am affirmed I have been heard: Every idea in my thoughts is given back to me in his own words.  He has put in the introspective work of his experiences and can relate to the light in mine.  #iunderstand  It has been a great relief for Matt.  One of the things I appreciate most about this friend chosen for me is we met each other young. #seedgrewsecretly 2/1/22 And one of the best ways he is in company with me is still #young.]

10/26/21 Once when we were catching up since we last talked to each other - after the last bell in high school - he admitted to something that didn’t feel good in the past, but made me even more grateful in the present moment.  He helped move someone #cowardly out of my way, and the very next step forward was towards Matt. #thankyoujhny