I have been up since 3:00a. I have moved from two sofas, a sitting chair, listened to deep meditation music, and made a cup of chamomile tea. It is 5:49a, and I am sitting at the kitchen counter on a stool. I have nothing on my mind besides Airway Jerry. I am having a little difficulty breathing. I woke up with the feeling of what sounds like my lungs rubbing. I studied Airway Jerry in vet tech school. He was a dog mannequin equipped with a lifelike airway. One of Airway Jerry’s auditory simulations was pleural rub.
I did warn Matt, “Don’t make me laugh.” Last night he did not listen to me. He said he doesn’t even realize he’s going to do it, that I need good laughs, and because he can make me laugh is one of the reasons I like him. All true, except last night he made an impression of me, and to make an impression you absolutely have to think about it and know you’re doing it. I laughed too much for my circumstances last night and while laughter has always been good medicine for me, my prescription is rest. I have to brace myself to laugh. I got an episode of what I call “lock rib”. It feels like my ribcage has slipped into a new position and even the slightest movement in it can send a sharp pain shooting. It is an immobilizing sensation. Trying to find a position to release it is mentally and physically exhausting, the remedy I have found is to be still until the episode relaxes itself.
I have a distinct sense of humor. I say distinct because it may seem like I laugh at everything, but I am not.
I laugh when I am nervous in social interactions.
Matt’s organic humor makes me laugh. Therefore I warned him if you’re going to make yourself laugh it is going to make me laugh. Our sense of humor is in common as far as only mine goes. Matt will laugh out loud watching Impractical Jokers and Jackass. Jackass is definitely a miss for me, I find none of it funny. Impractical Jokers is a hit or miss for me, generally a miss, but if they catch someone who seems like they genuinely don’t know the show, that’s when it has the potential to be a hit. FRIENDS, though, gets me everytime, and I’ve watched the series multiple times. Matt thinks FRIENDS is funny, too. Thank goodness because the only other shows Matt and I have watched together are Cheers and Gilmore Girls. They’re good shows but don’t make us laugh like FRIENDS, and I like laughing with Matt at the same time as often as I can. Laughing with Matt is one of my favorite things.
Why I told Matt just for right now if it feels like it’ll make you laugh, don’t present it to me. I miss laughing, too.
My point is, the mental concentration it takes to manage my circumstances right now is: I have needed all of it.
Deep meditation music was becoming aggravating so I looked for something that would sound good. I checked back to the link my mom sent me, and new sermons had been uploaded. I picked one and I found it on YouTube so I could watch the pastor’s son deliver it, too. This was a tough message to sit through because I just want to breathe deeply listening to it.
I asked myself what am I missing most through this, and sleep is a close second to breathing deeply. I can see this all helping me dig a little deeper to build a more healthy relationship with sleep. I asked myself what do I wish I did differently. I don’t even wish I used a different bench because the bench I fell from I had exchanged from a bench I couldn’t find balance on. The risk of fall injury was well in my awareness, so I couldn’t wish I chose a different bench because I did choose a different bench. I just wish I had cut my hair shorter at my last appointment with Hector; it’s what I wanted to do but I could not decide so I just left it long.
I like how the pastor’s son began his message and how calmly he delivered this message.
At one point I heard my grandma’s voice in my head:
“Kitchen closed.” -Grandma
I am grateful for last night’s supper. The smell of grilled eggplant is more aggravating than the discomfort keeping me awake.
Day 13. I hope I can sleep it down.
(September 9, 2022 I slept Day 13 down. It really does take 14 days for any kind of breakthrough, though, Day 15 feels like I am just approaching the other side. Not there yet, but I can see #thelightattheendofthetunnel. I appreciated how the physician assistant I chose as my primary care provider defined how I described the state of how I was feeling to her. She chose the word: fragile
My mom liked the medical provider I chose for myself, too. She is a physician assistant for an Internist. I called with the intention to be his patient, but the receptionist said he is only accepting new patients 62 years and older, so I got my foot in the door.
(The oncologist who helped me through my differential diagnosis of sarcoma in late 2020-early 2021 was board certified in internal medicine, too. She stretched as far as ordering genetic testing of the pathology and presenting my case to the UT Health Sarcoma Tumor Board. Final pathology report could not definitively rule sarcoma out, but she had been so present with me I trusted her medical opinion, we could rest in favoring the pathology of a perineuroma. I have accompanied someone as a friend to appointments and treatments in a cancer center but walking into a cancer center for your own appointment with an oncologist takes a different kind of courage: trust in the unknown. I found it easier; it is easier to trust in my unknown than to trust for someone else’s. I did not feel nervous, I had already felt in good hands: Dr. Branfman has been part of our family for over 30 years, I felt confident in his care with my excision and Matt had taken all the care in Matt’s lead: he researched the sarcoma differential, he found the right medical provider, and he wrote the number for scheduling down. I just had to make the appointment and show up. Matt takes great care of me in my exhaustion. I just remember following him through the parking garage and the building, he seemed a little nervous. I was happy to write Dr. Bowhay a personal letter of thanks. I still remember how Amanda, my sister and my surgeon’s nurse, delivered the initial news of concern to me over the telephone and I still remember how Bryan was Bryan afterwards, he proposed to Amanda. I think my family really knows a thing or two about joy, I felt the joy in that afternoon.
I learned a great lesson in putting myself first. I had noticed the growth in 2017. After I told my mom about it in 2020, she only gave me a few months to initiate action about the circumstance. I’m glad my mom was gently persistent in my exhaustion. And I am grateful for God’s protection while I was out there just giving myself a shot: He knows I know who I am in Him and I felt like I was learning from Jesus. I was grateful for all of The Holy Spirit’s help in that season; I had never communicated like I did then. September 10-11, 2022)
(September 14, 2022 I am liking my pick for primary care.
It really did take me 14 years to take initiative in needing one, and it feels like that kind of find. With enough attention I could now spare, I noticed the waiting room is funny and pleasant. I will say I will be happy to revisit when I am all healed up and have my stamina back, though. The waiting room became the sorts of a standing room only this morning, and me being one of the youngest patients in the room, I prayed seats would open up as the elderly arrived. I pray about everything, and my prayer went pretty well, the waiting room also has steady turnover.
I am happy to be at Day 20, but I am also looking forward to Day 21. Day 18 was a bit mentally unsteady, but just a bit, I practiced at the piano three times when I usually practice once; Day 19 I had a mental crash in the middle of the night; Day 20, today, was a reality check: I am going to be recovered at 6 weeks but I will need recovery from my recovery. That’s not just for vacations, in my opinion. I am grateful I have put in work on becoming patient with myself; I feel a difference in that kind of stamina through this, I have it.)
My best patience practice was encouraging my breathing through the pain of the fractures with singing:
Comments
Post a Comment