For me a recollectedness is inundating myself with my own thoughts. I told a neighbor’s sister once it takes me a lot of time being alone; she replied, “You are so beautiful.” I was not expecting her response, and the message caught me off guard. I received her compliment. I am not anti-social, like my mom noticed about me - I can be alone.
In deepest terms of me confronting my grief, inundating myself meant not being afraid I won't understand God but having the courage I have the wisdom to understand God. Overcoming that particular fear once looked like eating/sleeping/breathing God, that’s how I Psalm1:2, I ate/slept/breathed God. #thatsjustme Inundating myself still feels the same, ie a want by way of need, but the fear is gone. Inundating myself feels less desperate.
An early foundation was the most important piece of my confidence in understanding God. I have wondered why kindergarten was so intimidating, and the only answer I can give myself is it was the beginning of the unknown. In the unknown, I realized not everyone thinks the same way and you meet a lot of unfamiliar people from kindergarten and beyond.
Isaiah 55:8 visited me today.
Word is often described as the living Word. I just know that, but it is too abstract for me. One way I make sense is how it feels when I find myself randomly remembering a verse without ever studying it. I just came into contact with the verse somewhere in my activities or in my own encouragement and the verse stuck with me, not word for word, but by feeling for word.
I could never recite Verse, and I have never ever tried to approach the Bible that way. In my opinion, I doubt the Bible would even like to be approached that way if the Bible could tell you. Although I could never recite Verse, I could recall Verse to myself like, “You know that one Bible verse that goes something like this..." I wouldn't even know the handle for the verse, I would just know how it sounded. It took me some time to even learn how to write a verse's handle. That's how living Word makes most sense to me, the feeling of a visit.
Isaiah 55:8 is like a poem. I don't think I like poetry. It sounds good but I really don't get it, and I am a former overthinker, not by nature but by experience, so sometimes I just want the author to write the beautiful stuff with the beautiful stuff still but in a way there is no room for thought, just sense. American Literature was filled with poetry. I do not remember so much poetry in British Literature, but I know poetry was assigned. The only thing I remember about poetry in American Literature were names, Keats, especially, and vaguely Wallace. I need to fact check my brain on Wallace. Let's see... Google knows the only Wallace in American Literature is Wallace Stevens. Never heard of him. I asked what does he write and Britannica says he is an American poet whose work explores the interaction of reality and what man can make of reality in his mind. Never heard of him.
Anyway, I am going to try and make my own sense of Isaiah 55:8. The best way I can put it for myself is in the scenario someone is speaking their thoughts to me without knowing my thoughts because my thoughts were never invited. In that one-way scenario I can hear Isaiah 55:8 responding to the person who thinks our thoughts are alike, "Well, to be honest, your thoughts are not my thoughts..." which I think is the same as how Isaiah 55:8 is written, "My thoughts are not your thoughts..."
I am still reading Stay, the book my godmother mailed to me in June. I don't read fast. I am not a slow reader, but I am a slower reader. Stay’s main character had a self-realization to himself in terms of himself in light of his best friendship amidst a conversation he was having with a new friend he was making. His self-realization to himself: "But the problem was, I tried to get him to do things that would be the right things for me to do. But I don't think they were the right things for him. I was trying to help him the way I thought he should be helped, but he's not me." And the irony of his self-realization, he had unsolved problems of his own. To me as the reader, he didn’t sound like a forceful influence to his friend, but he sounded like a thoughtless influence to his friend.
I am getting to my point of how I recollect myself into God's presence...
Have you ever seen that billboard, "Think God". I know my thoughts independent of God are not His thoughts and my ways independent of God are not His ways. So, in my opinion, Isaiah 55:8 is encouraging me to think with God.
THAT'S IT! That's what the billboard is missing for me. In terms of me, I could read it pleasurably if it advertised, "Think with God."
I cannot read the billboard pleasurably as it is advertised because while it does grab my attention it had always left me wondering in my agreement, "How." And it takes me some time to let the question go because it’s already the answer. And that's annoying because I am not even thinking more. It's just a blunt, "Yes, but how.” in my head. And that's even more annoying because I already know I do a pretty good job with the answer "Think God". I have also thought the billboard would read more pleasurably for me if it just said, "Thank God". But, in my opinion, "Think God" has greater capacity for people to consider God.
I was washing my hands this morning, and the answer "Think God" finally made its sense to me.
To think God, I think with God.
How do I think with God?
I think for myself by myself, first. I talk it all through myself. I have grown accustomed to liking things really, really, really quiet when I am alone, especially when I am teaching myself something because I have to listen to myself talk to myself to understand what I am talking about. I do not like distractions, and I am easily distracted because I am intimately related with the silence - it is where I do my best thinking with God.
If my conversation does not make complete sense to me by myself, I talk to someone I know who thinks with God, too.
I tried thinking with God out loud to someone once in a letter, and he asked me point blank, "Who do you talk to about this?" I think my thinking out loud overwhelmed him. Answer I gave him: My mom and Matt. My conversation can sometimes overstimulate Matt, too. I always know who I am talking to thinks with God, too. I either know because one) they are my nuclear family or my most immediate family or two) I intuit they think with God. Two feels like the floodgates want to open. The two people I have intuited to think with God, one affirmed my intuition of him like God’s mercy, and before I followed my intuition with the other one, I knew he was a risk but I didn’t have any scary fear until I felt his reaction. I felt like he thought about my thoughts with someone I do not know. Reminded me of the song by Aaliyah, “Are You That Somebody” lyric: Are you responsible? He never confessed he did what I asked him not to do, but it sure has felt like he caved. (The Living Word of God protects my intuition when it comes to people like him. Psalm 121:1 October 29, 2022) He has told me outright he talks to God, but he also thinks important stuff through with a lot of people. In my opinion, he listens to people. I still think he could do his best thinking with God because I still believe my intuition he does his best thinking with God. When I first met him, he looked like he was trying to get back home from already being too far away from home. He even affirmed that intuition once when he said he was trying to get back home to North Texas. In my opinion, he really hasn’t been giving his tries any good; they’re half-hearted at most.
I’ve given people talking to me who sound confused the roundabout advice, “How many people have you thought about this with?”
My family's responses when they feel they need to do more than listen sound like the responses I have already received in my conversation with myself. In conversations with myself, I know God is listening.
Isiah 55:8 is how I pray. I don't pray to God, I pray with God because I know independent of God my thoughts are not His thoughts. And what do thoughts lead to? Words (spoken and written) and actions. Therefore my thoughts independent of God, my ways are not His ways. I am grateful my family thinks with God, too.
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