Is.

 Jesus is a friend of mine.  One of the ways I always try to be is a friend.

I would say myself aside, Matt is my best friend.  That is how close he is as my best friend, my husband.  I am thankful we, together, are that strong in our friendship.  I often feel if your husband or your wife is also your best friend, God is between the two of you because the only strength that can hold that double bond together is God.  Whew!  I confide in Matt about everything and then he provides for us on top of that. #everydaychampion 

Friendship is something I cannot say I have ever chosen before.  Rather, it feels righter to say friendship is a facet of me.  Choice is so absent in the equation, an interaction with a stranger in line at the grocery store would seem like we had the same  kindergarten teacher.  That all feels greater as my experiences in friendship have always felt greater. 

Friendship is a concept I have always struggled with, and the root of my struggle is simply because of how this feels - 

Different.  

My friendships feel hidden.  Like treasure feels hidden.  And there is a hint of outside the boxness to my friendships, too.   

The dynamic of my friendship feels like the companionship between human and dog.  I am silent in my friendships.  Writing is easier for me than talking.  And thinking about my friends is easier for me than writing to them.   

That’s my best shot at how different friendship feels to me in my experience.

Therefore, because different, it is something I feel is natural, though, out of my comfort zone.   How can that be?  To feel natural while feeling out of my comfort zone?  

That is what awkward feels like to me.  Being comfortable with yourself while you’re not in your comfort zone.  

I have always enjoyed my own company, and I am okay being alone.  Being alone is my true comfort zone.  

Being comfortable with myself while I’m not in my comfort zone takes a lot of balance and balance takes a lot of energy.  Why most of my relationships are in the silence.  

Matt is my one friend who knows me loud and clear because he sees the real balancing act.   This has gotten better as I’ve learned to embrace myself out of my comfort zone.   

As I embrace myself, my comfort zone fades away.  

#amimakinganysense

Having a comfort zone has been exhausting. 

It has only been exhausting because I feel like a paradox.  When I look in the mirror I feel like I need to be out there - doing.  And I do love doing.  But while I am out there in the moment of doing, I feel limitless.  Like drawing from an endless well.  

It is only when I am quiet and listening to myself do I realize how far I have pushed my limits.  And once I achieve balance, I more often than not tell myself I’d do it all over again because it was an experience handpicked for me.  

I now understand where the exhaustion is from, too.  It is not an exhaustion I’d rather do without, but it was an exhaustion I felt and could be grateful for.  It is from me being me, a vessel, and being equipped throughout the journey.  Not at the beginning but throughout.  The exhaustion strangely feels like being filled.  

It takes a little courage to be grateful for life.  It is simply overwhelming.  And words for feeling only came in time.  That is how mighty gratitude is.  It is something that builds only deeper and wider as life is received. 

My Godmother created this image for my 36th birthday.  It reminds me of what true courage is - beautiful.

Some of the most beautiful people in my life are the kindest people I know.  Kindness, as I believe, is the right truth.  Right truth is honesty, and honesty feels clearly defined by good intention.  A tenderness. 

I like Aunt Kathy’s creation, here, because it is exactly how the feeling of kindness looks to me.  Kindness always feels brand new because it is right truth spoken or written in the moment.  It evokes real emotion.  Emotion always feels like a movement to me.  Emotion has always drawn me nearer.   Being drawn nearer feels dear.  And the funny thing about how dear being drawn nearer is, fury is a part of getting you to that same destination as happiness is.  #amiimakinganysense

If you look closely, the butterfly is tenderly defined by a pencil sketch.  It’s innermost being is watery with vibrant color...and sometimes color outside the lines of where we expected to stay happens.  #life 

I found myself to have been tucked away in a comfort zone within my comfort zone, like I was hiding from myself within myself.  That was where the feeling of loneliness entered.  I liked being alone, but I felt lonely being alone.  I was comfortable, there, though, but not the comfortable kind of comfortable.  I was uncomfortable.  I was in a coping state - this felt like the most fruitful part of waiting because it is where I received fortification, a firm foundation.  

There is also an active phase of waiting in which we are asked to work with an even greater strength which feels “is”. “Is” feels like something that is so - there all along - we have to -become- to remain.  Even though we trust we will be equipped, work is hard work because becoming equipped begins, first, with a step in faith.  Trust is a deeply thorough process.  It is so thorough, depending on what we are being equipped for, the one and the other both have to have faith in how we are- and how we will- become equipped in the journey of true friendship. #amimakinganysense

Matt seemed to have come to me alread-e-quipped.  😬 #eak  He was a beautiful butterfly that caught my attention.  (10/29/21 Equipped to handle becoming equipped in his acceptance of being charged with me.) 

10/29/21 I am feeling very grateful reading these words today, because I am working from a place farther along than where I was here.  I am grateful to continue the hard work in myself in the midst of the Spirit of Love. 

12/22/21 One of the greatest feelings to feel is affirmed.  One of the happenings I love most in my time of adoration is when I receive a message that affirms something I’ve come into awareness about myself in my times alone. I was reminded of this entry today as I listened on to Sister Miriam’s message #today https://youtu.be/2qGFMxDWECQ

Knowing how I am patient all along in the waiting feels lovely - trust, as my mom says, the Holy Spirit is working. #workinginthewaiting I am learning all about my heart while knowing my heart feels strong.

This was lovely affirmation to hear through my headphones after writing the last sentence in today’s addendum.  Where God leads me, #sowillI follow.  I have been following my path because Matt has gone to run an errand, I am here in this moment with myself, and I am articulating my joy in the Lord.